#196 - twenty-seven

today i am 27, that's way too old. well, not really, most things about my life seem pretty right, and even pretty good, considering my age. i got my own place, stable job, all the financial and practical things are in good shape i think (of course, it took a butt-load of crap to get to this point, so i feel like most of it was well-worked for, with some luck here and there to get me over some of the bigger hurdles). and i don't FEEL old yet... meaning i'm not aching or getting sick all the time, i can stay active and i feel pretty darn healthy (which also took a lot of work to get me to this point, but again worth it). so... after taking stock of my life up until this point on my 27th birthday, there's really only one glaring hole that i could really point to as i get one year older. i think i do lots of interesting and cool things with my life (at least i think i do, well, they're probably completely mundane to other people, but it suits me well enough to think that i'm doing exciting things), but each time i get to do something cool with my life i'm reminded that i have no one really to share that with. i mean, friends are great obviously (don't downplay that AT ALL), but there comes a point where a normal good day can be great or it can be spectacular... and i've been lucky enough to get a lot of great days as it is... but i want spectacular.

i want a girl who intrigues me. someone who challenges my thoughts and defies my assumptions. someone whose presence clouds my thoughts with her name. a girl who lives life vibrantly, chases her needs and longings. i need a girl who endeavors to inspire me with her honesty and integrity, so i may be compelled to do the same. i want a girl who understands my struggles to become a better person and will share in that process along with me.

today i had a fine day at work, i did some stuff around the house when i got home, cooked some food, got ready and went off to the concert, the concert was okay, [*TANGENT* i didn't know that there would be so many performances, i mean, i knew about the orchestra's 5-6 songs, but i didn't realize that the choir would also sing 5 songs and then a brass ensemble would do another 3 songs, so that made it long (and i had to sit there for the whole thing), it was kinda dinky, held in a senior citizen community art center, but whatever, it was fine for just having to go and play and be done with it (which is exactly what i wanted out of this hobby anyway), [*END TANGENT*] after that i went to have pupus with some new, semi-random people that emily knew... before that, i was considering having a solitary (but not depressing) evening, possibly even seeing a movie by myself and calling in sick tomorrow. i know that may sound sad and lonely at first glance, but i was actually really looking forward to it. well, it didn't work out that way anyway so no matter. the point is that i had a pretty well-rounded birthday, but in the end i find myself wanting something more out of those special occasions. and more than that, i want something meaningfully special.

i know i could try harder. i could settle for less and hope in vain that what i've settled for would turn into what i'm looking for. but i'm not interested in that. i don't equate those kinds of experiences to "practice," or things to get me ready for when the "real thing" comes along. not that i'm ready to jump into any "real things" right now anyway, i like how i'm living my life right now and i've got no plans to greatly alter that anytime soon (i.e. not looking to "settle down" or get married, for me, those things can wait), but any additions to my current life will have to be very meaningful propositions.

so that sounds like i'm asking a lot right? probably, but it seems like people everywhere are able to find it, so it can't be asking too much can it? i mean, i realize that a lot of this is my doing, for being picky, for not seeking out and partaking in less than ideal situations, and i'm okay with those decisions. i'm not going to be trying to change my outlook just because things haven't worked out yet, my plan is solid and justified and i'm sticking to it. still, doesn't mean i can't complain and plead a little does it? even on my birthday? well, i can wish at least.


SIDENOTE #1 - no pictures on these posts because... computer still gone! circuit city sucks. don't buy extended warranties. circuit city wouldn't fix my laptop (because they said my $459 extended warranty that i purchased doesn't cover broken hinges), so they kept it a month and didn't tell me until i called them about it. then the ONE nice guy i talked to there finally figured out that hp sent a recall notice because TONS of hp laptops were being reported to have the exact same broken left hinge, so the guy is gonna send it off to hp to fix... and that'll take another period-of-forever before i get my computer back.

SIDENOTE #2 - No. 7-seeded Hawaii (30-3) thumps USC 3-0 with wicked quick offense and awesome backrow defense to advance to the NCAA tournament regionals in Fort Collins, CO this friday to face No. 10-seeded Purdue, who Hawaii beat in the same round of the 2004 NCAA tournament before falling in the regional finals in a *heartbreaker* to Wisconsin (i'm pretty sure) for their first and only loss of the year to finish at 30-1. No.2 Stanford and No. 15 Florida play in the other regional match with the winners of both matches facing off for a chance to go to the final four in Ohama, Nebraska. GO BOWS!

SIDENOTE #3 - finished reading eclipse, now onto breaking dawn, things are getting a bit weird... but i'm sticking with it still... reading brings clarity to the mind, it helps.