#197 - i get it now

it's been a very busy week in my head, well, it's been a very busy past two and a half weeks in my head. if you had a chance to read the bamboocha long posts that i've been writing you might have an idea of that. still, throughout everything i have been able to find pockets of clarity, and i've embraced those moments fully and fostered its' growth, so that i might take complete advantage of the clearness of my thinking. this afternoon was one of those moments. okay, no exciting revelations or anything, just kind of a decompression, i got to take a moment to wind down and ready myself to move forward.

i've been very fortunate to be able to establish a pretty consistent work-out schedule for myself (it helps not only with keeping healthy and fit physically, but mentally also), not too much has deviated since i started working out and eating right in college, and that's a great thing because i know i'm doing a good job with it and i'm so happy that i've been able to keep it up. anyway, so i've been going to 24 hour to work out monday, wednesday, friday (although maybe half the time i switch friday out for happy hour instead), to yoga on tuesdays and thursdays, then surfing and tennis on the weekend, so i'm doing something active each day and that makes for a very full and vibrant life i think. i always wonder about people who can't seem to find the energy to get up and do, just something, everyday, like i'm just itching to do most days. and so i usually attribute it (in my head) to them being too stressed to think about exercise, or too busy with work or other things to take time out for themselves (and then i think that they should MAKE time for themselves, it's a healthier way to live if you sometimes put yourself first), or just too confused and distracted by other things in the world to realize the benefits of exercise.

on the other hand, i can definately see how it can be dragging to FORCE yourself into such an active lifestyle (rest and sleep are just as important), which is why a few months ago i had that epiphany and stopped marking down all my activities on the calendar and stopped chastizing myself for not adhering feverently to that routine. it's even healthier to follow what your body needs on a day-to-day basis than mindlessly struggle to follow a strict (although well-constructed) schedule. since that time i've been able to take days off without guilt and i think i've been much better for it, been able to sleep better (and thus go about the NEXT day much better).

but this week, since i was kinda thrown off by my birthday and indulging myself in some reading until about 3 AM that night, i've been very sleepy, but surprisingly calm. usually when i don't get enough sleep i lose my temper and patience very easily with my therapy kids the next day, but yesterday i was very calm with them, like there was real clarity to all my thoughts, so that i could see the consequences of all my decisions so early that i could strategize to use the absolute least amount of energy to achieve my goals that day. it was great. i didn't yell at anyone and i had some good therapy sessions, i thought.

but that was yesterday, and even though i took a break from yoga to go to yummy dinner, when i came home from work today i made an instantaneous decision to stay home and do the home stuff (my mail/bills had been piling up, there were presents to wrap, little odd jobs around the house kinda stuff) which might take an hour or two and then relax the rest of the night. luckily, since i'd gotten over the guilt i used to feel for skipping workouts (on a deeper level, it was really guilt over not using every minute i had to it's fullest extent, like i only had a certain amount of time to live or something and i wanted to make the most out of each moment, but that's really overdramatic and not actually what i would think... maybe just subconsciously), i felt really good about that decision and i thought to myself, "this is how people do it."

then i started thinking about all the things that could keep me tucked away at home. it was raining outside, although for me, rain always energizes me and makes me MORE motivated to get out into the world, but i also saw how cozy it was in my living room, and how i could sit and look out the window at the rain and be content. there were things to do around the house, i wanted to put up a few more christmas lights, there were plants to water, i just bought some eye-hole screws and picture wire to hang some photos on the wall, but really i could just sit and read and be peaceful for the rest of the night and that'd be perfectly okay with me too. perhaps this is how people get fat. i can see the lure of staying in, slowly stocking up a library of books or take up painting or something, of course, neither of those things hold any appeal for me (even though i'm stuck on these twilight books, i don't have any intention of becoming a bookworm now). but it seemed so easy. and if i lived on the mainland, where the air was cold and crisp like it is now, how simple would it be to live like this for months at a time, just going to work and them coming home to this. it's so easy to stay active in hawaii, the heat just begs you to be active, but lately the cool air has been making all of that so easy to ignore.

still, now that i can imagine it, even if i did live someplace colder i would still probably be busting out the door to get into the cold and do something active. eventually the novelty would wear off and i'd shift into another mode. i wonder if that's what it's like to have seasons? i think i might like seasons, that's a nice kind of balance, i think. but, until hawaii has seasons, i'll just enjoy the moment now, get a good night's sleep, and wait for the change to come whenever and however it will.