#115 - waste/sickness

i have a problem with these two concepts. on one hand, i've learned to be very conscious about the concept of waste. in terms of consumerism i think that's why i don't buy a lot of stuff, because i think, oh that means eventually i'll have to throw things away, and that feel like a waste. but more importantly, the concept of wasting time has taken a much more prominent role in my way of thinking. obviously we're all getting older and now i have to admit that i'm in my mid-late-twenties (boo), but there are still tons of life stuff that i've yet to do. and as well as i think i'm doing in trying to find those new experiences and everything (and i do think i'm on the right track), i find it very hard when i'm not making all the most efficient use of my time, on an everyday level. and that leads to trouble because then i feel guilty when i'm NOT doing that. sometime i feel like if i'm not filling every minute of my time with something useful, then i'm cheating myself out of life and that makes me feel both guilty and depressed because i'm missing out on potentially so much.

so this past week i got sick (really ironic, i was at the doctor's for like a annual or more than that check up and he was asking me if i had allergies, which i thought was weird because shouldn't he know? and i don't have allergies but he kept asking, and then that night i got sick) and so i had to skip working out and yoga and even took a half day off and spent the day on the couch. and through those days i kept thinking that i've gotta just push through and do what i'd normally do because then it would be a waste, but of course, when you're sick you just gotta take care of yourself and get better. somehow i can think it, but then i still feel guilty about it afterward. and that's how i get sick in the first place, because i try to do so many things and don't give myself time to rest and recover, going too strong for too long. anyway, now i think i've identified some of the things that trap me in this cycle, i write down everything i do on the calendar, and then if i don't see something green (i write in green pen), then that's a disappointment to me. then i went to that HMSA healthpass thing and they told me to log everything i do on a website, but then i think i'll stop doing that because it turns everything i do into a number and that's now why i do it, right?

anyway, i think that this sickness for me was a good thing because it made me slow down and reevaluate the rate at which i'm going right now. but on the other hand, something really funky happened... on friday night, when i was all sick-being, i had a freaky 12 hours when i was medicated, not feeling great, sleepy, and for a while there i actually had a really hard time telling reality from dreaming from memory. it was so weird. i couldn't sleep for more than two hours at a time so i kept waking up not knowing what time it was or if i should get up or go back to sleep. and then i got this weird pain in my stomach, not like a regular stomachache, the pain was higher, like in my upper abs and it was like really a lot of pressure. it was really bad, i couldn't lie in certain positions and i think i remember thinking "what would happen if i called the hospital?" could i drive there? it was kinda freaky, i couldn't tell if i was dreaming it or not.

so that sucked. i don't want to be sick anymore. so i'm taking sunday off, completely. that's a huge change for me, i've been doing something active everyday in the past three months and i've been loving it. i feel like i've got more energy, i feel fitter, more healthy, but i guess i overdid it a little and didn't let myself recover enough in the past few weeks, so i'll have to alter it a bit.

on the bright side, today a watched a whole marathon of "beauty and the geek." haha, that show is hilarious, but more important, it's a show about trying to make yourself better, both the beauties and the geeks. as retarded as some people think these shows are, i love them. it might be a "reality" show, but it's a good-hearted one because it's about trying to find common ground with other people and trying to improve oneself as well. plus it's just frickin' hilarious.

also, since i've been all sick i've got a chance to watch that american idol rewind, like they show all the old american idols with interviews and everything, man, it sucked back then. haha, like they were showing the performances from season 2, they were crappy, haha! so when the judges keep saying "this season is the best talent ever" it may sound like a line, but damn it's true. i can't wait for tuesday now, haha.