#238 - completionist

argh! this is just a rant... because i've realized that i'm a completionist. well, i always new that, i just never labeled myself as such. i have a very hard time leaving things unfinished. it's a bit of my OCD coming out, but at the end of the day i like everything to be in it's place (or, if it's not in it's place, at least have a good reason for being wherever it is). like at work, i leave everyday with everything cleared off my desk. the only reason why something might be left out is if i need it right away the next morning or if it's in a categorical place (like the "pending evals" box or "just waiting for the next meeting" box). at home i'm a little less OCD, but i do like to keep a clean house, with not a lot of things out all over the place, it clears the mind y'know?

anyway, so in the same manner that i keep my desk and house clear of extra stuff, i do the same thing in my head with things that i have to do or appointments i have to keep, etc. except in my second year of grad school i started to notice that i had a much harder time keeping things straight and i'd forget things. i like to use this little example... when i used to set the dinner table when i was a kid, i planned out (not in advance, but on the fly) what dishes i'd take in each trip (both to and from the dinner table) in order to make the least amount of trips possible (and therefore be the most efficient). however, at that time i started to notice that i would have to go back for things, like i'd forget a folder in a different clinic room or i'd have to make two trips to the store room to get my materials. at first i thought it was because one day i went surfing and wiped out and my longboard came down on my head (later on i went to get x-rays 'cause my sinuses were swelling and it was the first time i'd ever gone to the doctor for some kind of trauma, i was kinda proud) so i thought that i'd given myself a mini-tbi (i mean, i was studying all about traumatic brain injury so i had that on my mind all day). but eventually i realized that it's all just a part of growing older, i guess.

anyway, so as my short-term memory (and manipulation skills) have been slowly fading (i've also been trying to combat that with crossword puzzles and brain age, ha), i've become a little more reliant on my OCD tendencies toward completionism. one of the reasons why i don't read a lot of books is because i can't read a chapter, then put it down for a few days and read another chapter later. even if i'm just mildly interested in a book, i've gotta read until it's finished, that's when i feel comforted. i'm uncomfortable when my inbox has, not only unread mail, but unresponded to mail, or even mail period! i like to go through it all and respond and delete accordingly until it's completed. when my dvr still has recordings from a week ago all i can think about is watching and getting through the other programs so it can be blank again.

this is unhealthy yes? i mean, it's not a total compulsion (as i'm making it sound like one), but it does make me feel much much more relaxed when there are no loose ends to think about, it takes up brain space, like background programs running on the computer. and it's what robs me of sleep because i stay up doing things like deleting mail and writing posts like this until everything on my mental "to-do" list is complete.

argh. it's frustrating.