but let's get on to the real part of the post... today was a great day. why? because i felt no stress from myself. i'd say that in general i probably put a lot of pressure on myself because of the expectations that i have for how i want my life to be lived. today, for whatever reason, i felt no internal pressure to do the things that i (perhaps erroneously) believe would bring immediate or even delayed progress toward those expecations. or, if i did, those thoughts were quickly quelled by some other force outside of myself (re: the big man upstairs).
so, this morning i went to work, which was not bad because i only had to go in at 8:30 to test, do a quick therapy session and write a report, so i got up at 7:30 very nicely, had time to make breakfast and felt absolutely no pressure driving in to work (usually i'd be pressured because i was running late, or i didn't have enough time to get a nutritious breakfast in, or i was dreading something, or more frequently, someone, i had to confront at work). so i did my job, got paid for it, saw some friends and talked for a little while, then was off to buy lunch and eat it at home. so i got a subway (no guilt there on my wallet or my diet) and then contemplated the rest of my day.
north shore has been absolutely flat for the past weeks so i haven't been surfing (i can't go to white plains anymore... too ugly, i'm spoiled already), but there was the beginnings of a bump today so that made my decision very easy. i was contemplating either surfing or going to the gym, and usually i would feel very compelled (almost guilting myself) into going to the gym to stay fit (because i feel like i'm finally starting to feel a little bit older... sometime things hurt... and tiredness creeps in a little too soon), but that feeling really didn't last long today. it didn't feel like i was shorting myself out on time or progress by NOT going to the gym (when usually it really might), i was absolutely fine with it. excited even because that meant that i got to go to the beach.
and, of course, the beach was the beach. and surfing was sweet. waves were tiny, but it wasn't crowded and i even made some conversation with some surfers out there (which i didn't even feel pressured or awkward to do, how's that?). but on the sets they were clean and smooth, making for some real nice rides. then after i went to killer tacos to buy dinner, but they were closed for some meeting, and that got me a little upset just because i had made mental plans (and when i say "plans," i really mean it, sometimes my food decisions are influenced by daily plans that extend days beyond the present), but then i quickly got over it again, probably because i was in a good mood from just having gone surfing. and so i had the other half of my subway for dinner while watching wimbledon and sat there eating and watching in contentment. cool.
anyway, i think the point of all of this is that not being a slave to all these expectations (and not guilting myself into making progress towards these expectations using methods of my own creation that may not even be effective) puts me in a good mood, which, in turn, improves total quality of life. this is something that i should be mindful of, to NOT pressure and guilt myself, but to let living flow more freely. concentrate on the things that really matter and let the other things fall how they will. take a tip from my namesake and be vigilant in this:
matthew 6:25-34
therefore i tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. are you not much more valuable than they? who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? and why do you worry about clothes? see how the lilies of the field grow. they do not labor or spin. yet i tell you that not even solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. if that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, o you of little faith? so do not worry, saying, 'what shall we eat?' or 'what shall we drink?' or 'what shall we wear?' for the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own.
**update**
i also watched true life: i'm breaking up (and making up). i love watching true life because it's very inspirational, in two ways. one, the kind where someone very real actually achieves something pretty great in their personal lives. and two, the kind where the people are so messed up that you feel great about your own life that you're not so screwed up. so this episode was basically about a couple who just need to not be a couple. they fight and play head games with each other, called the cops on each other, their parents filed restraining orders against the other person, etc. but both of them are so messed up in their addiction to each other already that they keep going back to each other. for one, i don't think either the girl or the boy are any more guilty than the other for the completely unhealthy relationship that they're in, they're both two fine pieces of work. but it's just amazing to see how they rationalize their own actions to the camera during this documentary. it's amazing because it's completely realistic and i'm sure everyone here can say that they've probably heard the exact same words coming from their ex or at least has heard some form of this from their friends. it's kind of enlightening to see this girl's process of rationalization for the way she keeps going back to this douche-bag and watch her thoughts morph from reality to fantasy to insanity. unfortunately, for me, some of it hit a little too close to home, although, by reflecting some aspects of my own personal past experiences, it kind of validated some things that maybe i had dismissed as being completely nuts. i mean, as i watched this couple document their failing relationship, i noticed quite a bit of similarities (especially in break-up fights and confessions) in some reactions that i had in some of my experiences. but... the point is that it's kinda weird to see such similarities in human behavior, but also oddly comforting to think that the experience may actually be so much more common that you had previously thought (even though you probably thought that your experience was so singular). things to think about eh? but it kinda made me really glad that i've endeavored to keep my standards high as far as potential girlfriends and getting into (or, more appropriately, continuing) a relationship with them goes, even though it can be tough at times to stay single, and resist the quick fixes (or at least quickly correct my path when i fall for those quick fixes, haha). definately watching a documentary like this would make any single guy or girl feel pretty great about themselves, but, like i said, it's inspiration... perhaps in the negative way of striving to NOT live your life a certain way, but most likely better than the alternative huh?
1 comment:
i like that trail cause it's easy and there are great views. i am a wimpy hiker. :)
it sucks when you can't meet your daily expectations or goals. it sounds like usually you put a lot of unneeded pressure on yourself for things. good job with the unpressured day! i say if you get to go to the beach and surf, that's gotta be a good day. you surf snob you.
mindfulness training! it's weird how unmindful we can be even while thinking about things. we let those negative thoughts crowd the head i think. it is easier to let it take over than to push it out i guess. i like those verses too, good stuff. no worry, be happy.
on that note...off to the airport. :)
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