#292 - motivation

i have none. this is a problem. what happened? i was on such a roll, but somehow at the end of this year i find myself very lacking in motivation.

halloween is my favorite holiday of the year (with christmas very close, but it's kind of depressing sometimes, whereas halloween is supposed to be kinda gruesome it's easy to make it fun), usually every year i get kinda into finding a costume and even decorating (and playing halloween games and using creepy vocabulary, etc with my clients)... but this year i've hardly done anything. i'm completely not motivated to do anything either. i've got a costume already (actually, it's a pretty awesome costume i think, but i got the idea a few months ago so that was before this loss of motivation), i've been on an old school nintendo kick this year and since they've been doing a great job of bringing back the orginal nintendo games i played as a kid on wii, i thought i'd embrace that... so i'm going to be... little mac!


but for some reason i don't really feel like going out anywhere. i think it'd be fine just staying home and passing out candy to the maybe 5 trick-or-treaters that come to my house (that's how many there were last year, at least). maybe i'll change my mind by this weekend, but i think i'd be just fine staying home and watching the 7-hour ghost adventurers lockdown instead (actually, i am getting pretty excited about that, at least). still... last time i went down to chinatown and had a pretty good time, blah, it's gonna have to be a last minute decision i think. see? that's how my motivation goes (or doesn't go) now days, so sad, how do i get out of this funk? i thought halloween would do it, it usually does, but not this year.

not to harp too much on an already over-used movie quote... but, rule #32: enjoy the little things.

so, after switching to t-mobile and getting my first flip phone four years ago (and suffering through it's inevitable slow death for the past year), i have finally found a phone that i want to get! for a long time i stayed away from new phones because 1) i thought they were all crap (except for the iphone, and i was super close to getting a iphone, except that i can't stand at&t and their plans... although if i did get an iphone, how awesome would this bamboo case be?)
and 2) because with any new GOOD phone i'd also have to get a data plan, and i didn't want to pay any more a month for that. but, t-mobile is finally coming out with some reasonable talk/text/data plans and the motorola cliq, finally a phone i can get on board with. it's got both a touch screen and a keyboard (duh, why did it take so long for that to happen) and it's specifically designed to keep me up to date with all the messages and social networking whatever so i can finally be a good friend and keep up with people, haha. now the only thing i have to decide on is which one to get... titanium or winter white? that's a hard decision, my instincts tell me get the black one... but something about that white just looks cool...

so, at least i can get motivated about SOMETHING... even if it is just a phone. rule no. 32 - enjoy the little things.
[sidenote: zombieland was an awesome movie for several reasons:
1. comedy - horror shows that make fun of not only the genre but the idea of horror in real life itself are my favorite, i don't like the over-dramatic-type shows, i like when people respond in very real (aka casual/comedic) ways to absolutely ridiculous situations (e.g. buffy the vampire slayer, firefly)
2. the main character was pretty OCD-like - i can relate
3. running gags - this movie was full of them, i think it's such a waste to let a good joke be forgotten, i think running gags are the smartest form of comedy (you gotta be able to both encode and recall)
4. they killed bill murray... and then laughed about it - not macabre, just funny]

so, zombies, cell phones, maybe there ARE things that can motivate me. life is more that just work, schedules, working out, driving from place to place, avoiding the toxic people of the world (which for some reason it seems there are TONS of all over the place recently, we just need people to be nicer to each other sometimes). anyway, i was talking to some of the actually NICE people at work and they were telling me a lot of ghost stories about where i work. huh? i mean, i assume pretty much everywhere in hawai'i has got to be haunted since it's all islands and there aren't really a lot of places to bury people (plus, ancient hawaiians didn't mark their graves, they thought it wasn't good for your enemies to know where your body is buried), so there've got to be ghosts all over the place right? but i've never even felt the slightest bit of the creeps around my work place (besides the toxic people i try to avoid, that is). i've never even thought i saw something weird, yet it seems like everyone i talk to has SOME kind of weird experience. maybe i'm just skeptical, actually, i KNOW i'm skeptical, but i'm definately open to the possibilities. i mean, if you just take a look at some of the issues in theoretical physics you'll see that theories about parallel universes and time/space anomolies can easily explain some of the paranormal events that some people define as ghosts or portals or whatever.

i mean, i don't really believe ALL that much in ghosts, i just like to want to be proven wrong (although i never am... in most things, haha). that's why i love watching ghost adventurers and all those kinds of shows. i love the "science" of it all. they use devices like electromagnetic field detectors, emf pulse beacons, static energy producers, all devices to measure and manipulate energy to determine the presence of spirits (sound like physics anyone?). there was even a class at KCC a while ago about the science of ghost hunting, i was so close to enrolling. anyway, i've never had an ACTUAL paranormal experience, but all through college i listened to glen grant's radio show every sunday night, i loved it. i even went to that store he opened in puck's alley "the haunt," and luckily got to go on his walking ghost tour of the state capitol before he died. he was a great storyteller, really. i'm sad to say i haven't read any of his books though... i'm gonna have to try and pick me up a copy of one of them after i finish the mafia book sam let me borrow.

well, after writing this blog i guess i've discovered a few more things that motivate me. still, i gotta find a more permanent way out of this funk. i guess it starts with the little things... then sleep... then tomorrow. but you can't worry about tomorrow when you've still got today in front of you.

Matthew 6:34

so... here's my enjoyment for tonight. i was watching psych, then at the commercial break this masterpiece came on, at first i thought my dvr was skipping, but i kept watching in astonishment, for the entire 3 minutes at 17 seconds. and even when it was over, they played the original (non-rap version of the) commercial just to make sure you got the message. then psych came back on.

#291 - mori e no pasupooto

the weather today was awesome, right?

after furlough friday yesterday, today was completely free. absolutely nothing to do. i mean, usually i play tennis on saturdays but our tennis team had a bye this week. if no tennis i go to the beach, but since i didn't work yesterday i went surfing instead (man, it was crowded... you'd think if all these parents are so concerned about their kids missing one day of school they'd do something school-related with them instead of just shove them all off to the beach... not that i think there's something wrong with sending kids to the beach, who needs more school? let them be kids). plus there was a surf contest going on at ali'i today so i didn't want to join the crowd. i went to the gym yesterday too so today was my off day as well. so what is there to do, i asked myself. well, first of all i woke up at 11:15 so it wasn't like i had an ENTIRE day to fill... so i decided to go to pearlridge. here's some things i learned:

1. i'm in a weird age gap were i'm too old for the trendy clothes (skinny jeans, deep v-neck shirts), still too young for the old-man clothes (macy's, sears), but still not ready to succumb to the generic stuff (gap). i can't wear funny t-shirts to work, and it's too hot to wear nice clothes to work either. conclusion = i bought nothing. and i will continue to wear clothes over 3 years old until fashion catches up to me, or me to it. ha.

2. filipinos are taking over the planet... or at least that mall.

3. stink people hang out in that "book-off" bookstore.

4. stink people hang out in borders.

5. mall food fails me. i used to be uber-excited about going to pearlridge to get arby's... and i actually do like the roastburger, but i don't like curly fries (they got rid of regular fries and only have curly ones now) and fast-food is still fast-food = nausea and possible stroke.

6. i'm a loner. well, i mean, usually when i go to the mall (or anywhere for that matter) i'm all business. go in, get whatever you need, get out, as efficently as possible. i prize efficiency much-ly. but today, since it was a free day and i really had nothing else to be doing, i decided to take it easy, stroll around intentionally "hang" at the mall. it didn't work out so well. first of all, i don't like crowds, and no matter how much i try to convince myself that tolerating crowded places and even enjoying going places where there are lots of people makes me a better person socially... i don't like crowds. secondly, i can't dwaddle. it's that efficiency thing again, if i have something to do, i do it as efficiently as possible, if i have nothing to do, i stand and do nothing. i tried to browse through books at the two above mentioned bookstores, but i just couldn't do it. i make quick decisions about what books i do and do not want to read and pretty much stick by them, i have no interest in what does not interest me. so me trying to browse around the mall to kill time just wasn't working out at all. however, i did have a great time by myself buying some birthday gifts, grabbing lunch, almost being interested in a couple stores, i even contemplated going to see a movie by MYSELF! i would have been the first time ever, but it turned out that all i really wanted was the popcorn and then i probably wouldn't have felt so great after fast-food AND movie popcorn so i decided to go home instead.

on the way home, i decided to take an extended ride through mauka. a few days ago i decided that i wasn't going to take the short (and most efficient) way to and from my place anymore. along that way there's just too much stuff... people, cars, buildings, parking lots, ugh. i decided i needed a more pleasant ride leaving my place and coming back home. a greener ride. people need greenery, don't let anyone tell you different. psychologically, people get to be in better moods when they see greenery, plants, trees, y'know? makes sense right? and everyone's experienced it first hand too. and mauka is the perfect place for that... well, upper mauka at least. so i drove all the way up to the top and man there are some huge houses up there, but even more impressive were the trees and folliage on the side of the roads. nice job mililani. and at the very top, at the end of some of the last roads is the prettiest looking dirt road entrance to somewhere. it's fenced off, but there's a mailbox and address so i'm thinking taking that dirt road through a beautiful looking canopy of tress might lead to a house. i want to live in that house. maybe it's like a totoro house. maybe it's got huge windows looking out onto the mountain-side. that would be awesome.

as much as i love the beach, i want to live in the mountains. always have wanted to. i was so happy when i first moved into this place and saw mushrooms growing in my yard, how awesome is that? remember that movie "mononke hime?" that's where i want to live (except, without that disgusting shishigami, gross). like that picture up there that brandi took in mexico. sweetness. that's why i loved the weather today (okay, took me awhile to get back to the original point of this post, but i'm there). maybe not so much the humidity, but the misty-ness, and the big-fat raindrops and the cold wind. it's that almost-halloween type weather and i love it.

of course, i wouldn't love it so much if this weather stuck around when i want to go surfing, or play tennis or something, but this is probably as much seasonal change as we'd get in hawaii so i like it. i'd imagine i could probably move somewhere like on the mainland where it's this kinda weather all the time, but then i probably wouldn't like it so much. we need change right? we fear change. (remember wayne's world? garth said "we fear change" and then he smashed a robotic hand with a hammer. for some reason i remember that a lot).

one more week 'til halloween, i haven't decorated this year, haven't even planned what i'm gonna do on halloween night. but i have been watching a lot of ghost adventures (they're gonna do a live televized 7-hour lock-down, that should be good). i haven't really gotten excited about it like i usually do, maybe because the weather hasn't been very cooperative until now. gotta go watch me some halloween tv...

#290 - happy house-i-versary to me...

BLARGH! today was supposed to be my wonderful 2nd house-i-versay and how does it start off? well...

1. woke up late
2. car wouldn't start
3. had to call my MOM for a ride to work (how embarrassing)
4. bad bad meeting at work (if only all i had to do was work with the kids my life would be great)
5. had to call my DAD for a ride home from work (how embarrassing)
6. found out i might get an even bigger pay cut with the furloughs
7. thought i had enough frozen chicken for my curry... but didn't!
8. too discombobulated to go to yoga

ugh. but, things looking up...

1. found some pork to substitute for the chicken
2. the office is on tonight
3. no yoga means i have time for a nap
4. thinkgeek.com order got delivered today

haha. how's that for my 2nd house-i-versay. gonna finish the night off with some curry and beer in my awesome self-owned home, look on the bright side and enjoy my solitude for a bit. then have a big sleep and a better tomorrow.

#289 - forget and not slow down

1. Forget And Not Slow Down
2. I don't Need A Soul
3. Candlelight
5. Part of It
7. Therapy
8. Over it
9. Sahara
11. Savannah
13. If you believe me
14. This Is The End
15. (If You Want it)

if you've been reading my blog for awhile you'll know that relient k is my favorite band of all time. somehow it just seems like they make songs that speak to me, very specifically, at all the different points of my life. well, okay, i only started listening to them in college, but somehow pretty much each one of their songs seems personally written to my life, y'know how that is sometimes? i mean, it happens with individual songs here and there, but something about these relient k guys... it seems like every song is written for me. like, if i didn't know any better i'd swear they were following my life as a reality show and writing up my soundtrack. i could pick one of their songs for how i've felt in pretty much every period of my life since college to now. maybe i'm just lucky that coincidentally their musical ideas have come to reflect what's going on in my life, but then again, why should i be so special? i'm sure tons of people feel exactly the same way, we're all humans, we all live on earth, we're not so different. who am i to assume that i'm the only one going through what i'm going through? that should be a comforting thought. and it is.

additionally, this band makes use of their notes... one of my biggest pet peeves is how musicians stretch out words over notes, nevermind beyonce and her rifts, i like musicians who make use of every note, have something important to say. that's how relient k is, they don't stretch phrases, but they don't just add in filler words either, their lyrics are very well written. and good writing is very important to me.

and so how coincidental is it that i pre-ordered their newest CD a little over a month ago and it just came in the mail on FRIDAY? perfect timing. how does it happen? (the short answer is, "the Lord works in mysterious ways," but i won't get into faith on this blog) i do have to thank someone though, because man was i in need of this album this weekend. i was gonna write down some lyrics here that really struck me, but man i'd have to write out each song, seriously. how do these guys capture so well these life events and subsequent feelings... and how does it seem to correlate with my own life so perfectly?

well, gotta thank the man upstairs for that probably. he knows so much more than i do.

anyway, just in case anyone out there (or anyone you know) is going through or have just gone through a break-up (don't know if you could call what i had a "break-up" though... that's perhaps being a little over-dramatic), tell them to give this cd a listen.

and on that note, it's time to find the silver lining:took this picture at the beach today, lying on a picnic table, no clouds in the sky today to find the silver lining.. but i call this photo "the triforce" and perhaps the gold lining is better than the silver lining, so now i try to take a step back and take away some good from all of this... here we go:

1. "i've been convicing myself that i'm worthwhile, cause i'm worth what i'll convince myself to be" - (If You Want It), track 15

confidence. i have none. i need some. somehow i've got it in my head that it has to come from others, that someone else has to see what i see in myself in order to believe that what i see is true. but i don't need validation from someone else to think i'm worth something... and if i don't get that validation, that doesn't mean i'm worth nothing. heck, if you don't have confidence in yourself then how can others have confidence in you? now, deep down i know i have confidence, but would it kill me to show it sometime? (i'm talking about confidence in a very specific area of my life, of course, in other areas i probably have altogether TOO much confidence, haha.)

2. "cause i could spend my life just trying to sift through, what i could've done better but what good do what ifs do" - forget and not slow down, track 1

go for what you want. who cares if you look like an idiot doing it? one good thing i can say about myself through this is that i didn't hold back (well, maybe temporarily i did, old habits die hard, but i didn't hold back forever). if you know me (and more importantly, know my family), you'll know that me and my family are major repress-ers... that's how i was raised and that's what i've grown accustomed to. we don't talk about a lot of things. it's not that we don't care about each others' lives, it's just that there are things we don't talk about. dating is definately one of them. (we would have made pretty great mormons, i think) as far as my parents and i are concerned, my sisters never dated ever (well, except for their husbands). i wasn't so good at keeping things under wraps, but you get the idea, dating is not a topic of conversation during my family dinners. and so perhaps i'm not the greatest when it comes to trying to express myself and most times i let things slide, i go with the flow, even if the flow is where i don't want to go. but i'm getting better, and this time when the flow was not where i wanted to be, i spoke up, and (even though it didn't help much) and i can at least say that i didn't hold back just because i was afraid of consequences. i mean, like look at the 2016 olympics... why are people criticizing obama? thank goodness we have a president who stands up for something he believes in and wants. some people say he shouldn't be messing with this olympics stuff while the are more pressing government matters and that is was an "embarrassment" that he went to personally advocate for the chicago olympics, bullshit, good for him, he saw something he wanted to accomplish and he threw himself into trying to make it happen. why the hell should we be "embarrassed" about that? that the person we have representing the united states is willing to go before others for something he believes in and wants no matter what the critics will think of it? good for us, for once i feel patriotic (that doesn't happen much).

3. "and if a nightmare ever does unfold, perspective is a lovely hand to hold" - Part of It, track 5

life is still beautiful. okay, i know how corny that sounds. but even after all that's happened this weekend, i went surfing today and guess what? the ocean was still beautiful. the weather was still envigorating. even the heavy rains that fell last night were comforting and the cold air was so inviting. i love this time of the year for the weather, right before halloween and into christmas (although christmas can kind of be depressing, the weather is oh so comforting). the nights get colder, the air gets crisper, the sun still shines but not so harshly, it shines warmly. the moon and stars at night are gorgeous. when the wind whips up and the rains come down it makes everything feel alive, don't you think? so today (even though the water was super gross... because of the rain yesterday and all the gunk that the river washed out), surfing was great. just as great as it was before this past week. and so, yes, i know, life goes on, but it goes on amazingly well, and all i have to do is open my eyes to see it.

blisters on my feet i crawled back home
frozen from the sleet burned sand and stones
nourished back to life by life alone
with one shake of the mane regain the throne
(If You Want It) - track 15